What is ghosting?

Ghosting in personal relationships

People primarily ghost in relationships as a way of avoiding the emotional discomfort they are having in a relationship – and generally not thinking of how it will make the person that they are ghosting feel. 

Ghosting in employment

Ghosting in employment often refers to a person who interviews for a job and is led to believe there is a chance of getting the job, then no acknowledgement of the position being filled is ever conveyed to the interviewee⁵

The term has also been used in reference to people accepting job offers and cutting off contact with the potential employer, as well as employees leaving their jobs without any notice.⁶

Ghosting is emotional abuse

If you or someone you love has been emotionally abused by someone, you’ll recognise the terms of ghosting, silent treatment or even gaslighting. These are terms used for how we are treated by people who reject or ignore us and then make it seem like we’re overreacting. Ghosting is been termed a real form of emotional abuse⁷

Ghosting can cause you emotional distress. It can cause you to question yourself, which can be devastating to your confidence and self-esteem.  Despite how common ghosting is, the emotional effects can be devastating, and particularly damaging to those who already have fragile self-esteem or a history of emotional abuse or trauma.

Ghosting deprives you of any chance to work through what went wrong in the relationship and makes you overthink and experience further negative emotions , as you try to identify why you have been ghosted in the first place. It makes you second guess yourself & causes you to feel terrible about yourself and diminish your self-worth. ⁸

Why Do People Ghost?

According to results from two 2018 studies, around 25% of people have been ghosted at some point.⁹

The most common cause of ghosting in a personal relationship is to avoid emotional discomfort in a relationship. A person ghosting typically has little acknowledgement of how it will make the other person feel. Ghosting is associated with negative mental health effects on the person on the receiving end and has been described by some mental health professionals as a passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse or cruelty.¹⁰

People ghost for a variety of reasons. Relationship experts and psychologists agree that people who ghost are avoiding an uncomfortable situation. This evasion, while perceived as a lack of regard, is often because they feel & believe it’s the best way to handle their own distress or inability to clearly communicate¹¹

Ghost-ers themselves may admit they don’t want to hurt you, or they don’t know what to do – and avoid communication as they find it very difficult to discuss their true feelings or may in fact feel hurt or betrayed by you. Sometimes they don’t think discussing a situation was necessary or they became scared avoiding interaction altogether. Ghosting can be seen as a passive way to withdraw.¹²

For the person who does the ghosting, simply walking away from a relationship, or even a potential relationship, is a quick and easy way out. No drama, no hysterics, no questions asked, no need to provide answers or justify any of their behaviour, no need to deal with someone else’s feelings. Certainly, while the ‘ghoster’ may benefit from avoiding an uncomfortable situation and any potential drama, they’ve done nothing to improve their own conversation and relationships skills for the future¹³

Your brain suffers when you are ghosted.

Physical and emotional pain are on the same neural pathway in the brain.
Studies have shown that social rejection of any kind activates the same pain pathways in the brain as physical pain, meaning there’s a biological link between rejection and pain.¹⁴

According to research studies, social rejection can cause the same level of pain that an injury to the body would cause because the pain is activated in the same region of the brain.

Staying connected to others has evolved as a human survival skill. Our brains have what’s called a social monitoring system that uses mood, people and environmental cues to coach us on how to respond situationally. But when you get ghosted, there’s no closure, so you question yourself and choices which sabotage your self-worth and self-esteem.

This may help explain why many people try to numb the hurt they’re feeling by drinking alcohol or taking other drugs or medications. What they’re doing is really just numbing the part of the brain that is creating feelings of emotional distress.¹⁵

When you get ghosted, it immediately triggers a stress response. You immediately go to worst-case scenarios & jump to conclusions that you might jump to without sufficient evidence. Since stress decreases blood flow to the prefrontal cortex of your brain, where rational thought occurs, it might even feel like you’re having trouble thinking clearly. So if you quite literally don’t know how to process the sudden lack of contact.

Perhaps worst of all, though, is the fact ghosting can also trigger feelings similar to fear. ¹⁶

How to Cope When You’ve Been Ghosted

Below are some suggestions/tips on how to cope. If you find that you are unable to cope on your own and you need assistance to deal with the negative emotional effects of being ghosted, please reach out to a professional who can help you articulate the complex feelings you may have; providing you with coping strategies.

Below are some tips :

Setting healthy boundaries is about teaching people how to treat you and what you deem unacceptable behaviour, so clearly being able to communicate how you expect to be treated ( and treating the other person the same way)

Take time to really consider if you have been indeed been ghosted or not. Have you jumped to a conclusion? Perhaps they are truly busy and really have not had the time or chance  to get back to you as yet)

So often we are quick to blame ourselves for something that we may or may not have done. Be rational about what occurred and the reason you may think someone is ‘ghosting you’.

No doubt that being ghosted by someone you care about/ or work with is really upsetting.

Don’t let their actions make you doubt yourself, the fault lies entirely with them for cutting ties with you in such a traumatic way.

If you are guilty of unacceptable behaviour that caused them to ghost you,  then accept responsibility, no one is perfect. Allow yourself to heal and find a space where you can speak about your feelings and emotions from the experience without feeling judged.

How to deal with being ghosted in a professional perspective.

Obviously, a professional setting will differ greatly when it comes to being ghosted. However, it does happen that a colleague, customer, prospect recruiter, or even boss totally ‘ignores’ you and cuts off communication with you. Below are some suggestions ( however situational dependant).

Call or Reach out via email ( no more than 3 times max and give a day in-between when following up). Use phrases in emails like “I hate to be a pester” or “so sorry to bother you.” Don’t sound desperate though.

2. Remember, rejection is protection

From a recruitment perspective. Perhaps rejection means someone wasn’t the best fit for you, and someone or something else out there is. Also, would you want to be working for a company or with a client who is inconsiderate, and doesn’t respond to you? Embrace the situation of being ignored after your two follow-ups as a blessing of sorts.

3. Set up a formal meeting, to talk things out (if possible)

If your boss or colleague is the one whose been avoiding you, try booking time on their calendar to discuss the matter openly and honestly to work things through.

4. Involve HR or a manager

Being ghosted at work by team members or your boss can be a devastating experience, it can hinder productivity and lowers collaboration when your team just doesn’t want to work with you. If you are unable to deal with the matter alone involve your Human Resources department or someone senior to help iron out the issue ( with an outsider present it can help the communication process and work with the issue that caused the person to ghost you)

5. Send a professional goodbye email

In the case of it being a client who’s ignoring you, though, send a professional goodbye email that won’t burn any future bridges. Write an email stating how you’re disappointed you won’t be working together but that you are always willing to pick up where you left off if they have a change of heart in the future. Show appreciation for the opportunity, and don’t burn professional bridges ( ever).

6. Keep your cool to protect your reputation

Don’t lose your temper or cool, protect your reputation ALWAYS.

7. know when to Walk Away

Sometimes it may be best to wake away from a professional setting ( if possible) if it is not working and where you are experiencing being ghosted/not respected professionally. Take the leap to go elsewhere where you might be appreciated more ( all within reasonable means; have a plan of action, before you just go quit your job/fire a supplier/customer)

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